Imagine this… a new Mum sits in-front if the fridge eating chocolate cake and crying 3 days after giving birth….. because she is gutted she has gone straight back to a size 6!
Yes that’s me…
From the delicate age of 5 I was prodded, poked and put through every test imaginable because I was ‘too small’
I gained weight but no where near as much as the doctors or parents expected, I ate like there was no tomorrow (and still do) and I’ve not once made myself sick – not even when I’ve needed to be sick because of alcohol!
Growing up I was bullied, called all sorts of names and mentally abused by my peers because I was small. I was followed to the bathroom at home, toilets at school and bathrooms in restaurants so people could check I wasn’t making myself sick. I tried so hard to put on weight, so hard to please my parents and dreamt of the day the doctor would say I was of normal weight!
At the age of 9 I was even bribed, if I gained 1 stone in the 6 months to my next appointment I would get £10 – like it was something I could just do!
I spent my teenage years angry at the world, angry at the models on magazines for trying to be skinny or for being accepted for being skinny.. why wouldn’t anyone accept my weight? Why was being skinny such a bad thing for me but what many people wanted?
After 8 years of appointments the doctor turn’t around (something I will never forget) and just said ‘well I guess your just naturally skinny and lucky!’
I couldn’t believe my ears – lucky! How the hell was I lucky after everything I had been put through? Naturally skinny – your kidding me right? I told you that when I was 5!
I was discharged just like that. No more appointments, no more of anyone checking up on me and given the contraception pill now that I had finally started my period as this ‘may help you gain weight’ I was 13! I remember the look my Dad gave me when I got home with my prescription, like I should be ashamed for being on the pill at this age- like I had a choice and was on it because I was sexually active (which I wasn’t!)
My heart broke that day, I hated my Dads dis-approval of anything.
As time went on, my weight still bothered me. It still does to this day.
I managed to find the love of my life when I was 16, he accepted me for who I was and what I looked like and he owned a restaurant – says it’s all doesn’t it, about how deep my issues was that I met someone by eating junk daily!
I didn’t just eat junk, over the years I’ve tried everything from eating healthy 8 times a day, eating 4 meals a day PLUS weight gain shakes, eating junk at least once a day, not eating any junk, going to the gym to gain muscle weight … everything! There’s no groups for people wanted to gain weight only for those who want to loose weight.
When my partner and I decided to get married I made sure I was 5 months pregnant at the time of the wedding so I wouldn’t look skinny in my pictures, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me for getting married when I was pregnant or if they thought that it was the only reason why I was getting married! I didn’t want to look like a heroine addict on my wedding pictures which is what I thought I looked like in photos.
Not long after our wedding, Mimi came! She was 8 weeks premature so I was discharged from the hospital a couple of days later with in SCBU, this is when it hit me! I got out of my pj’s and into my maternity jeans and they fell down! Put on my size 6 jeans in the hope that they wouldn’t fit and that I would have to go and buy a 10 or an 8 but they fit perfect, I was gutted! I sat in front on the fridge and ate a block of cheese and then went onto the massive chocolate fudge cake that was in there! My husband walked through the door and saw me sat on the floor in tears, stuffing my face and I cried – I cried a lot!
A few days later I popped into work to say hi and collect some bits as I had gone in a rush (actually in labour!) and the comment of a colleague made me worse. ‘Jesus Lou, how the hell are you looking so thin! You had surgery?’
I remembered back to when a celebrity had gone straight back to her normal size after having a baby and the jip she received, people saying that she must have had surgery and should have spent more time with her newborn then exercising! Who knows if it was true what they were saying but why does everyone assume?
I have spent so many years having people say things like ‘god, your skinny aren’t ya?!’ Or ‘your such a bitch’ – if I said to someone ‘god your fat aren’t ya’ I would be slapped! Why is it ok for people to comment on me being skinny when they don’t know me? I see new customers on a daily basis and get the same old comments and when it comes to lunch I get looked at, my plate gets stared at and the comments of ‘you look like you need fattening up’ come!
I know that I’m not the only one who feels like this, I’ve met a few people like myself who feel the same way. If just one person reading this realises that they make the same sort of assumptions and comments and thinks before they speak next time then I will be happy.
Being small has affected me in other ways too.. I’m too small to give blood (despite my blood being a rare type with rare antibodies) and it means any pregnancy I have has to be monitored which means water birth, home birth etc.. are out of the question.
I’m still not satisfied with my weight, I want to get to 9 stone and one day I hope I will get there even if it’s when I’m 50! I know my husband loves me for who I am but for me I want to feel comfortable to have a photo taken with my kids without deleting them after because I hate the way I look!